Healing Old Wounds
Pain and forgiveness two of the hardest things in this world to deal with. They both come hand in hand and one can't survive without the other but what which is hardest to deal with pain or forgiveness and is healing old wounds and finding closure truly worth it. Two years ago I dealt with a deep pain, a pain totally different from the one the father of my child brought me. This pain had affected me much differently then I thought it would. I've always be known to be a charitable person and always felt good helping others, until one person took that from me. I once opened my home to someone and all I ever wanted to do was to help this person, unfortunately this person had more issues that I expected or had foreseen. This person totally used my home, abused my good nature, brought a sense of fear I never thought I felt to the point that I nearly killed him . I stood over where he slept with a knife in my hand willing to take his life and sacrificed having my daughter in my life forever and if it wasn't for the person sleeping next to him I would have, For the first time in my life I was not afraid to take a life, and I am not a Killer nor do such thoughts play in my head, but for my self worth as a woman and for my child I was willing to take life and risk my freedom all for my daughter to be safe. I had never felt so much hatred in my life until I met this person, I had never known such anger, and fire until this person. There was one thing he did say I will never forget. He said you will never forget me I going to teach you a valuable lesson and be a constant reminder.
He was right He taught me the most valuable of lesson which was what I DON'T WANT IN A MAN OR RELATIONSHIP. He taught me I deserved more and to be treated better, that I was a woman and worth more than I had been treated for so many years. When I finally got him out of my home, there was a huge sigh of relief, not just because he was gone but that I hadn't sacrificed my soul to evil and killed him. See i never wanted to hurt him or see him sad. I wanted to help him and show him that there was a better way. After that I became sacred, paranoid and untrustworthy of not just lovers but friends and family. In my head I would scream is it safe, will they hurt me , take advantage of me, use me, abuse me. It was like well damn my baby father took my ability to be emotional and show my sweet and affectionate side to another making me stone cold and independent and lacking in trust of lovers and now this one took the only thing I had left , helping others. I was beyond gone, but not destroyed.
I had spiraled to the darkest part of my soul. I become the most wicked part of me and I began to feel the effects. It was controlling me physically and mentally. I became sick and hospitalized. Finally when I was drugged on morphine and other devices I heard a part of me I never thought I'd hear, a voice, now whether that voice was of mine or my deceased grams or aunt I can't tell you but I can tell you what was said to me which was " Blake What are you doing to yourself?" Why are u keeping this pain inside , its time to let it go, and Be who you are. You can only be you and no one else and if they accept you for you then, they don't deserve to be in your life." I woke up like a bullet when I heard it. I realized I am who I am and I have been trying to please everyone else but me, I let people abuse me, hurt me but I'm in control I don't have to have those people in my life, I choose to and I can choose to remove them as well. I just had to let go. Here is the kicker, Letting go and forgiving people was never my strong suit, my grams was a beautiful Capricorn when we we kids and hurt, she hug us , squeeze us till we couldn't breathe and We forget the pain and just move on because We were kids and moving on was easy, but now I was an adult , How was I suppose to move on from such pain and How was I suppose to forgive like my grams did. I went thru it all getting even , being a bigger bitch than I could imagine and being as wicked ass possible.
Guess What it didn't take away the pain or satisfy my need to want to be healed. So then I decided another course of action, mediation, yoga, fitness, changing nutrition and diet. Meditation became big for me. Taking walks and walking thru the park with my dog became a big thing. I would play music and walk with Buttercup, my dog (pic below) and I begin looking at t
the world around me and all I was missing, I began having personal sessions with myself because even though I was going thru therapy, I felt my therapist truly wasn't helping , anyway the walks, change in diet, the fitness began to show progress day after day and then I noticed the attention I would get from men, or the encouragement people would give due to the notice in change in my weight. I looked and felt more healthier, when I noticed that I began to feel better, I began taking my anxiety medication more and I started to notice the pain didn't hurt so much because I was happier and I looked happier and I felt better and people noticed it and continued my encouragement. I realized there were still good people in the world and there people who saw me for me and saw me as beautiful. I decided to become a vise for those who couldn't find there way thru the darkness , so I became a personal trainer, a life coach, and now soon to be a Sports nutritionist . I realized typical therapy doesn't work for everyone and healing takes time and is different for everyone. Healing Old Wounds can be truly hard especially when they run deep and felt like salt was thrown in them.
Pain can take you the darkest places and turn your soul wicked , but before I just dismiss the pain I also learned my demons they are a part of me and I'm must tame her and always keep her on a leash. ( a line from the song Arsonist Lullaby) The darkest part of me is needed. She is who keeps me strong and reminds me where I don't want to go back but she did protect me and made me realize I am capable of anything and everything. Now the next step was forgiveness, again easier said then done. I hate holding grudges, they fester that like a open wound and dry up like a raisin in the sun. ( a line from a the poem Dreams Deferred by Langeston Hughs) Now even though those that line is about dreams , i feel like it is also for grudges. I realized now that holding grudges against my daughter father and the one that abused my good nature wasn't going to solve anything , hurt them, fuel my revenge or find me any peace , so the best thing i could do is forgive them and let Karma take care of the rest. I became more spiritual and realized Karma is a female a bitch for a reason. She takes care of those who hurt others and since lately she has been doing her job quiet well I admit, there is no reason for I told you so or revenge, see knowing that I am happy and better is more important and if the former irrelevant people in my life are suffering now in anyway for the pain they have caused to me or others that so be it. It is there demon to bear. I have faced my own demons and conquered them in my own terms and I'm am proud of me and if people can't accept me for me , then there don't deserve to be in my life.
Now I am being me and living life on my own terms, and I've learned I can only be me and if people can't accept me for me then they don't need to be in my life. Due to all of this I found my calling helping others especially women who feel lost, hurt , abused and can't find there way , and feel their inner demons taking control. I am here to help those who need help themselves. This is why my company was created, this is why I The Zen Gen Foundation is going to change the future and bring a new golden age in 2017 to the lost generation. There is a light at the end, there is hope and even the darkest of soul can be forgiven. For those who have hurt me I forgive you and I hope you find peace and a way to tame your demons.
Namaste!!!!!
